Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
