i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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