She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This is the high leading the old right now
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize