Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
