my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
