Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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