My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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