dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
