I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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