oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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