Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
