It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize