I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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