is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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