Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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