hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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