I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
