It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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