I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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