my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
