Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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