Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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