I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
