Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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