She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
