her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
