the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
