I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
