stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
