he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
