I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
