So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
