you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
