i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
