If i come over, it means nothing
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
