i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
