what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
