I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
