He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
