I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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