WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
