After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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