I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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