never play flip cup with pint glasses
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
