i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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