6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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