if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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