We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The air taste purple.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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