Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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