Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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