i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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