I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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