I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
