I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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