Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You took a bar mat shot.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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