At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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