Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize