you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
In America we eat man semen.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
