Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize